the last time we met.....

Do you know we all are going to die in some years ..

We will be under the soil...

and will grow into grass...

cows will eat us.....

life is so short.....

william blake.. his adam and eve...

Im reading a book COUPLES by John Updike..this pic is on its cover... and ive been so intrigued by this painting..... and then i found out that this was done by William Blake.. .wonderful....

dove....or is it love hanging by threads????

the dove.....seems to rush into fools paradise.....it feels like love...but its dove...........its image in another language....

For Your Information.....

Dear friends,

This creature called Roshni, who writes on this blogspace is bored with her own blog....

it happens to her often....she hates monotony....and this blog is really getting boring because its all about some bullshit called TRUE LOVE......

She hates herself for being so obsessed with it...

So, she is going to give herself a break.....

she has to find something else to do..

her ruminations are on...

she has put on her thinking cap...

her self expression has to be done in a different way....shes offf to explore new ideas....

so seeya for now....

some good things about me...

1. I'm basically a happy person.

2. I can be crazy as and when the situation demands.

3. I adjust and adapt to situations...

4. I'm good with people.

5. I'm good with kids.

6. I'm good with old people..

7.I love nature, sea, plants trees, animals.

8.I'm a great cook.

9.I know style, and colour and what goes with what.

10.I'm clean, tidy and organised person.

11.I give my 100% to whatever I do.

12.I love deeply, truly and madly.

13.I'm care giver.

14. I'm good with money.

15. I'm good to take spot decisions.

(and if You have anything to add please do!)

This is what i know about myself, but it does not guarantee that I will find true love.....

If you want to find the elusive element in your life...that something that is missing in your life..that passion, that madness, that intensity.....that partner who wants you forever..you have to have more than this.... more and more... expectations are more.....

I don't have that......................

so?

I'm NEVER NEVER GOING TO HAVE THAT SPECIAL THING.......THAT ETERNAL LOVE....THAT FOREVER LOVE....

The question is, whether I need it.....

yes I do..I DO....

but can I live without it?

no.....I can exist..... like a thing.....but.. cant live.....NO!

wat i am feeling now....

At this point of time......

I feel useless....ABSOLUTELY USELESS......

IM NOT USEFUL FOR LOVE..............

now and then..........

This is me, 23rd Oct 2009... now... contaminated.......and adulterated.....(lol)

this is how i looked on 24th july 2009.....i was a simple, innocent, truthful person.......full of dreams... and hope and imaginations........

first time in a Mumbai pub.....

Frankly, it was my first time in a real Mumbai disc......( The time at another pub was so gentle as compared to the one yesterday...)I felt I was in GOA....

It was just Awesome....

I had decided that, I would enjoy and go crazy, and forget all woes...

and I did just that.....

I got high ( with 2 small bottles of beer, and I drank someone eles`s drink too ,I think!)

and I think I ate some munchies from someone else`s table).....

Unforgiveable!!!! but first time mistakes are forgiveable..... I forgive myself ...

anyway...It was fun..... I went crazy dancing my crazy dance....

The Hindi music was reallly fun ... all old hits......

I am a disco dancer, etc etc....

Overall a CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY night!!!!!!!!!!!!

notting hill...

oh! I love this movie....its so sweet........ can watch it many times....I love Hugh Grant in this movie..the sweet loyal man in love....the comedy is so refreshing and original...

This is my fav song from the movie...

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL.......

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face let's me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhuTL-rtQa8

btw, that's the best scene of the movie......

my thoughts .....on issues...

Ok , So I was at my favourite place..THE GRASS.... JUST MAKES ME SO CALM......

everything was ok ..but...I hated it when the nurse hit the child who ate some extra sweets....

and scolded me for being indulgent....

I was thinking of the difference.... whn I was a team member and I could do as I wished.....

now im not.. Im just a volunteer...

I hate this bureaucracy...

the silly rules.....restrictions....

I wish I had my own organisation, my own rules, my own kids...........

butIi know Im complaining, and I will go back again and again and again.... love will pull me towards them.......Im helpless whn it comes to love....God! I love those kids....

will post more pics.....soon....

the best day of my life.........

Jesus xrisst!.......wow! the best day of my life......
i now know that it is no use planning and planning AND PLANNING........
The best things in life come unexpectedly.....you should just have the guts to grab the happiness that is waiting for you.... sometimes it may not seem possible...but everything is possible if u have an open mind..............
i love my life.....its beautiful........thank you universe! for helping me connect through continents. ( lol)
btw, my first ever experience in a pub in my city was bitter sweet.....some shit..... but mostly beautiful...........
and im offf to more wonderful days.......
will post about it soon..........

ESSM.............

Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and I watched my favourite movie again......

I had written about this movie somewhere earlier....

Wow! Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in the roles of their life time...Excellent....

My favorite quotes of the movie,

Joel: talking isn't necessarily communicating.

---

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clementine:What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel:I had a really nice time last night.
Clementine: Nice?
Joel: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!
Clementine: Thaaaat's better!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The movie deals with science fiction and neosurrealism.

It touches the heart and mind while taking you through varied emotions....

the end is of course the best, as we find that no matter, the differences and fights, if there is LOVE, understanding and Forgiveness.. that's all that matters....woowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

This gives me hope....

My take on why a woman strays...

A woman may stray because of many reasons.

Let me list a few.....

1.lack of love

2. abuse- mental as well as physical

3.boredom

4. lack of emotional support

5.low self esteem and confidence.

6. being a nymphomaniac

7.revenge

8. feeling of being used like piece of toilet paper.

9. poverty

A woman searches for a man who will give her that something that she misses in her life.... but what happens is that, she gives up everything in the name of love.....she gets a raw deal always........only 5% and she compromises more than she bargained for.. she gives 95%............she ends up selling her soul...

for that elusive piece of life, of peace, of tranquilly....that imagined state of bliss......

Why I dont like the word 'LOVER'.....

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lover

Maybe it is okay for most people...but because Im a romantic person, the word lover has a negative connotation for me....it is mainly about sexual love....I WANT ROMANTIC LOVE TOO .....LOL..........

A lover can be anybody, you can have anybody as a lover, it is so shallow......it is not special at all.

But to be a true companion, and have a true companion in my life is what I really crave for.

A companion who, not only wants to have sex with me but wants to know the real me, wants to connect with me, respects my feelings, appreciates my efforts, wants to spend time with me,

basically, consider me as special.

Maybe it is too much to ask for......

I may never find it....

The Jungle....

Time stood still as they walked along the beautiful walk.....

A walk created for crazy souls...

The dark water shone silently, in the moonlight....

The tall trees, the chirping crickets,sweet swans and limping leaves,

all aroused...

By the two crazy people who sat down on the middle of the walk....

they wanted nature to witness their closeness...

The woman, heady with emotion....

wanted the night to go on for ever....

wanted to wait a while longer...

She knows she has limited Time...

She wants to live and cherish the Time...

some random thoughts.....

Love cannot hurt.

Mutual respect is most important.

One might be the best, but if there is no one to appreciate you.... your best maybe be your worst...

Life is beautiful.

The world is small and round.

Human emotions everywhere, in every corner of the world is the same.....

Human beings are confused, they want happiness, but they throw away their only way to happiness easily...they reach for the moon and forget about the little star twinkling beside them.

Life is about the number of beautiful moments that take your breath away.And if u find someone to share it with, its a BIG BONUS.

Its best to live with a person who loves you for the person you are, the inner you, a person who sees the best in you....and helps you want be a better person.
A person who lets you BE. Just be!

You can make anything happen if u have the will.The universe will help you find your dream.Only, only if you really want it....the universe knows your secret......

Life is such....

Today, I was traveling in the second class compartment in the local train.
I was totally stuck, I was breathing into a person`s face...the train was disgustingly packed with human beings....
I was in a such a position that, I was looking into the persons eyes.. MY GOD!... too close for comfort.
Suddenly the person started crying... huge drops of tears...came rolling down her face.... when I inquired, the person said that she was coming back from hospital after an appendicitis operation,and that she was in pain...Jesus!
when I looked again, now, with more concentration, I found that the person was a Trans gender. In the crowded train she told me her story.
At the age of 15, she was thrown out of her home... her parents don't want her because she was different....
So she joined the Hijra community . She found that she was not happy there .. so much politics and hierarchy etc... She promised herself that she would get a Sex Change operation,and she collected the money for the operation,by working in dancing bars .
She told me that the operation was a trip to hell and back...it was the most painful thing to be endured....but even after all that, she is not happy at all..she has no boyfriend ,nobody to love her....she feels alone all the time.... She told me that everyone is interested in Money, and nobody cares about feelings.She works as a paid volunteer at a NGO...
Life is difficult....she told me she wants to commit suicide....
I didn't know what to tell her.. I just listened to her... told her to take care.....
I felt immense compassion for the person, who is born different....whom society discards...whose parents abandon her.....
I had to get down at my station. I gave her the Suicide Prevention Helpline number.She has promised to call...

I WAS THINKING,IF ,
ONE DAY, WHEN I WILL BE CRYING IN THE LOCAL TRAIN, BECAUSE I AM ALONE WILL SOME ONE SHOW ME COMPASSION?
WILL SOMEONE , ANYONE ,OFFER SOME KIND WORDS?
WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME A HELPLINE NUMBER???

fatal attractions....

Ive been attracted to a few men in my life............ maybe 3.

Most of the time ,I was attracted for their intelligence, kindness, love for poetry and literature.It never made any sense to be in a relationship where there can be no future....so i never started any connection....maybe i was wrong....


But the other day I was wondering about a no strings attached relationship...

A relationship where there is a mutual agreement to be physically intimate, nothing else....
A relationship that expects and accepts nothing... no future, no love, no emotions, no dreams...
A relationship that exits into nothingness.....
A relationship that has the permission to dissolve....
A truthful relationship....where each partner knows its role....knows its limit.....

I realise...

THE ONE THAT LOVES THE LEAST, CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP......BECAUSE IT KNOWS THE TRUTH....
THE OTHER IS SUBMISSIVE AND QUIET....BECAUSE....IT KNOWS THE TRUTH...TOO

THE TRUTH SETS YOU FREE..THERE IS NO STRUGGLE ANYMORE.....ONLY, ONLY COMPREHENSION....WONDERFUL....

0ctober 5th

This day is a very sad day for me...whenever the month October comes ..it is a remembrance of a life I had as a child.
We were a beautiful family of four. Mum, Dad, Brother and Me.
My father is a painter. He is also great calligrapher.
My mother was a teacher . She was the first woman in her small village to be a graduate and proceed to become a teacher.
She was a great singer and writer.
She taught in an orphanage.
As a matter of fact, before she married my father she lived in the orphanage with the kids.
My mother was extremely religious.So is my father.
That was the reason I was in a convent school for my school days.
Actually I was encouraged to become a nun, or a nurse, or a teacher or choose a career to be of some service to people.
But everything changed when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Her death is something that changed my life forever. The worst thing was that my freedom was gone. I was a motherless girl, And to be a girl and motherless is a curse in India.
BUT
most of what I am is because of My Mother.
I realized the importance of compassion and forgiveness from her.
The love for arts, literature, people is all from her.
I can say that maybe I don't have external beauty, maybe Im not very worthy of peoples consideration, maybe people don't want me in their lives,maybe people want to use me...
but the fact remains that I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEART. A HEART FULL OF LOVE. AND SO MUCH TO GIVE.....I AM PROUD OF THAT...
But really who needs that????????

.intellectual stimulation....new ideas.... new horizons..

After visiting the museum, and meeting a number of people, I went to eat at Leopolds.....its one of my favorite places to eat non-veg food.
I was accompanied by a gentleman who was also planning to eat alone....the conversation was good... and time passed by.It was a nostalgic experience. I was thinking about the time I was journalist.
I had met so many people, it was a wonderful time in my life...I working like a mad person.
covering events, writing reports, interviews,
One time, I was counseling on the newspaper that I was working for.It was good extra money.
I think I should really think about honing my skills.... I should meet new people.I should find interesting work. maybe I can free lance again.
everything happens for a reason.....Im optimistic...

SOMETIMES.....

sometimes..... I feel as if I will die if I am not held...not comforted... not hugged tight.....
i need the touch...
i need the comfort...
i need the hug....
the sweet kisses...the physical intimacy... the connection...
to share a blanket...
to share a pillow...
to share silences... to listen to hearts beating as one...
the connection of the soul....the precious moment....the unforgetable moment created by us...amazing....magical...forever etched in memory.....

we did it...

We pulled it off...
we made 12,000 rupees. We sold T-shirts, book marks, paintings,pens, soft toys... it was fun....
I'm so happy....
KIDDIESsssssssssssssssssssss here we come.....lol.........
I think all of us were motivated and were working hard for this to happen...
people were generous....
I think basically, all people are good.....they are empathetic......they want to do good....this is what makes me go on......AND ON........... Hmmmmmm!
(I will post pics later....)