some more

for four months i was quiet... that was a difficult and strange phase....i was so inside me...there was no need to communicate...now i feel this rush.... this rush of emotions...i feel anger, tired, worthless, rejection its all negative...
but there is a tiny wick of hope...
what should i do to help my self i wonder...
im trying hard..to understand...

some thoughts

Im troubled most when people are indifferent...
when they behave as if they don't care...
with false pride and stupid ego..
they strive and march on...
thinking that they are immortal..
only to realize that....
its impossible to go on,
as a human being...
with so much anger in their soul....

its 4 months

Its exactly four months since I wrote something..
I was so busy doing seemingly important things that I forgot to connect to my soul.....
if I had, I would not have felt this way....
this heart wrenching despair and distress this need to cry... cry loudly...SCREAM!
this feeling of helplessness...
the truth is that it is not the first time..
it has happened before..
I recall a statement made by Oprah Winfrey ( she makes the most profound statements effortlessly
`Life goes on teaching you, till you rectify your mistakes`
so what I am feeling right now is also a reminder for me....to realize that Ive not learned...
not learned that human beings have yet to find the meaning of the word unconditional....
at this point of time Ive not been able to appreciate what I have...the material comforts as well as the success that Ive achieved through sheer hard work....
I realize that I get affected by cruel words and deeds....
if I feel love for someone....unconditional love. A LOVE WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS ....its looked upon with suspicion....
doesn't every one want to be loved and understood? then why this fear?
why? why????

pluerisy of the lungs

the pain..its un bearable.....physical as well as the mental...more so the mental....
GET WELL SOON..!
FOR WHAT? FOR WHOM?

betrayal.....

i know now how it feels to be betrayed....i cant stop the tears............
i trusted her so much and she went and told him evrything...
it was supposed to be a secret between her and me....
now its become a misunderstanding....
a big bone of contention....
how do i explain ?
the distance is unbearable
i feel all worked up
helpless...
how can i communicate whn all lines of communication has been destroyed
how is it possible....
life is strange.....im so wary of people and then eventually whn i trust.... i go and trust the most unworthy person...
shit!

The Oscars....

Watever anyone may say.....i know.. im very happy for all those who got the Oscars..esp Rehman and Rusool..both creative and both deserving..i dont want to analyse why or how they got it...enough for me to know that INDIA got it .....WE got it..Thank you..Rehman.....Rusool...JAI HO...........

TREES.......

Today was a sad day..... i witnessed a murder

a murder of a tree.....

a beautiful sheltering tree, spreading its shade....

that allowed thousands of little organisms to make homes ...

squirrels climbing the the huge trunks of the badam tree

made my heart swell with joy....

And when the Koyals sang, the students came out to peer....

for 40 years the trees stood there happily.....

and never complained when the the kids threw stones to get the badams down..

but ..BUT...in 4 minutes the tree was felled..

with an electric saw.....

the hands broken, feet as stumps....

the tree stood imploringly...

I stood there for a minute.....with a lump in my throat....

within minutes, the tree was made into logs ready to be taken somewhere

What could any one do ?

but just wonder...

It has taken thousands of years for MAN to understand that Human Beings are not to be sold ....how many more years for man to understand that trees are not to be sold nor cut mercilessly....they are family, a part of our ecosystem...our earth..out life....our breath......

I wonder...I cry .....I suffer....