jaipur.....

At the Phool Mahal.....these were the palace grounds.... around 500 years old..... The bedroom of the queen... I was the queen for a few hours...... an imaginary queen....!

The walled city of Jaipur...I am standing at Amer Fort.....u can see the city behind me.................

yesterday....

Yesterday, I was talking about how poeple marry not because they are in love but because of...the chance....( it got me thinking.....)

Let me explain..........

95% it happens that u meet the right person in your life....absolutely right for you.....but for some reason the time is not right for you and you have to let the person go....away from your life.....maybe never to meet again..........

Then when the time is right for you, you meet a person who fits the bill....to be your wife/husband.....THE TIME, THE REASON, everything is right....( that's what you think!!) and you get married......have kids...just like everyone.... you do the same things like everyone else.... you want the same things like everyone else... good happy secure life... its a chance that u take.............it may or may not work out.....its a gamble....but i learned one thng in life.... ONLY FOOLS LEAVE THE GREATEST DESCISON OF THEIR LIVES TO CHANCE...........

others who marry for true love are more happy and secure( a very few % of human beings have the guts the follow their heart others follow what others have done)..................their marriage is not WORK or ADJUSTMENT or, COMPROMISE...............its something that they consciously chose!

there are no regrets......and the relationship grows to higher level of trust commitment and respect.....

a happy ending....

Most people want happy endings to their life....

They are unrealistic about their expectations....

People want good job, good partner, good people around them, good name, they want to do good for society....etc, etc,

They want........ they WANT and they want more...............( including me,Im not a saint!!!!)

but really do people know what they want?I find most people are in a state of confusion...............( including me)

human beings are so confused......perpetually....

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE... na??

Some pics......From My Trip To My Home Town....

bananas....
the crowing cock

in the garden......
white goat...
white hen...
the tall coconut trees..........
the rice fields....
the oldest man of our village can you believe he`s 103!!!!

some thoughts..on the hyderbad conference..

National level conferences are always very important and informative.

The Chief guest was Ms. Laxmi Vijaykumar, ( member of WHO) and renowned psychiatrist.

She spoke about the findings in the world about suicides and befriending, which was really enlightening.

I was amazed to know that though they spoke about the world, there is no study conducted in Africa regarding mental health and suicides.

when I questioned about it, they told me that Africa being in the process of developing physically has not been concerned too much with mental health programmes.

so I went to the befrienders worldwide website and found that hardly any African countries have help for mental health.

http://www.befrienders.org/

I feel its very important that people in general realise the importance of having a sound mind in a sound body. Both work together to make a healthy human being.

anyways,

Right from the moment WE( the director and two volunteers) stepped into the venue, which was Hotel Central Court,we were pampered.

The hospitality of the Hyderabadis was really COMMENDABLE.
The conference was a wonderful amalgamation of information, interaction and entertainment.
The panel discussion on maintaining healthy relationships was also an eye opener.
I realised the huge work put in by ROSHNI .Kudos to them!!
The level of commitment and motivation has to be seen to be believed.
I came back feeling inspired to do more for my centre.

It renewed and made me think why I had joined this organisation in the first place.

IN HYDERABAD...

Im posting the pics, will write about it later....

WORLD AIDS DAY!

I FOUND THESE IMAGES , FROM A RESTAURANT CALLED CABBAGES AND CONDOMS, IN THAILAND!!! (I thought it really COOOOOL!)

!!!

Security is mainly Superstition.

It does not exist in nature,nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.

HELEN KELLER

the final step...

The meeting was thrilling, exciting,done for a lark!

as the meeting becomes more and more frequent,

the man and woman discover, that,

they are compatible in many ways.....

there are many flaws in both of them ....

of course!there are no perfect men and women....

they realise...

life is beautiful....

so, the the final step was taken...

after a lot of deliberation, lot of thought...

they became one...

in complete surrender,

absolutely , in full control over their emotions...

without regret...

but..the futility of it..is something that the woman did not consider.....

she gave herself...to this man.... mind and body with trust and love.....

expecting nothing in return....

after all its true that man uses affection for his needs and woman gives in to the mans need to gain his affection...

the perception of man and woman is different....

there can never be complete equality between a man and a woman...

NEVER!!!

happiness..........

Im so happy I feel guilty!!!! ( lol)

am I supposed to be so happy?in bliss? in contentment?

Of course! Human beings are born to be happy......its our basic nature.....but many times we forget that!!! ... We indulge in self pity, self condemnation and self something something......

My God! But today, I'm in bliss just like I used to be earlier.. no thoughts of future, no past no nothing... just the present....I don't care any more.....I will live ...I will die...Whatever happens in between is the bonus.....the prize for living in a blissful state!

the beauty of being alive...

In July 2006, I was a part of a project, the team members worked hard to bring about change in the lives of the rural, tribal, school going children.

These children were first generation school goers.

I was in charge of their emotional needs. I was to be a Friend and Counsellor. I loved my role...

I was also a translator for the volunteers who came from different parts of the world.

I was thrilled that I was part of this change.

Three years ago I was very raw and simple. ( btw, I still am!)

I had never done such work before.

I started my work in earnest. I documented everything I did, I gave my 100%.

Life was so beautiful.

The kids were very shy at first and did not trust any of us, esp. the foreigners.

it was only when we played, ate, slept with them that they cared to acknowledge us.

It took around 4 months to start the work.

Today, I met many of the kids as they came to visit me....they have grown, tall and beautiful.

enriched by the experience,

grateful that they are able to fend for themselves.

realise that they are lucky to be in the position that they are in.

I feel each one of us is on this earth to do something for society.....

what better than to help the next generation.....

wat say???

sensitive....

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sensitive

Many people have called me sensitive, I always thought that it was a good thing but recently when someone said I was sensitive, I found that it contained a tinge of sarcasm...

and so, researched about the word, and did some much needed introspection

YES!!!!... I'm touchy about some issues....

having parents who were very religious has its boons as well as curses....

my values system is in place.. but with it there are many cultural values that cant be ignored by me.... its conditioned deep in side my head and I'm not able to erase it...

I think it happens to any one .....

but Yes, if I am truly liberated and free, I should not bother about what people think of me.....who cares.... why should I bother.....????

I think it will take time.....but by the time....it wont matter....!!!! THAT`S LIFE!

understanding...

The need to be understood and loved is something that every human being identifies with.....

If we research, and look at the various reasons for war and violence, we will find that it is because of misunderstanding.....when we touch the wrong side of a human being`s ego, then it causes strife.

everyone wants a ear to listen , a heart to behold and some warmth in their lives.

Everyone want to be happy and have a wonderful life.....a life shared with ones loved ones......

human emotions are universal......

fire...

keep the fire up.... don't let it die to embers......

hello..

hello!

the most beautiful things in life are those that cannot be seen nor touched..it has to be felt with the heart....

my friends are so sweet......we went out for an outing....and it was the most relaxing experience..

yes!

Every thing happens for a reason....We need our freedom , our space, its True!!!!!

Amazingly, something wonderful happened recently...I guess when things happen they happen for a reason...You know what? ;-)

Tuesdays with Morrie..

I started this book on a Friday, it was an important day....

I finished the book in one sitting..... I loved it so much.....

all the time I was thinking, I WISH EVERYONE HAD THE HABIT OF READING....

I feel that reading and travelling are the 2 most important things that a human being can do to understand life.

"Love is the only rational act" is one of the dying observations of Morrie Schwartz, a retired university professor who shares his final thoughts on life, love, and friendship with a young man who is transformed by being witness to a good death. Popularized by a made-for-television movie, this inspirational book is based on a true story.

SOME QUOTES FROM THE BOOK THAT TOUCHED ME

On Relationships:

"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like." (p.177,178)

ON Death :

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." (p.174)

On Aging:

"Aging is not just decay...It's growth." (p.118)

On Most Important Thing in Life:

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." (p.52)

On Love:

"Love wins. Love always wins." (p.40)

* * *

"Love each other or die." (p.163)

On Culture:

"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." (p.42)

ARNOLD AND ABRAHAM

Today was a good day.....really.....Ive always wanted a goldfish... in a tiny bowl....from when i was a young girl....i loved the tv series... DIFFERENT STROKES.. and cute little Arnold, with his goldfish Abraham....

"Put You Head On My Shoulder"

Put You Head On My Shoulder"
© Lloyd Pollard
Paint on Paper
Previously Unpublished.
First Blog Publication.

Hold me as if for the first time

Hold me as if for the last time.

Hold me like you've never held me before.

Hold me like you'll never hold me again.

Hold me now

Hold me forever

Hold me as your life's treasure...

But please, just hold me.

changes.......

Change is the only Constant!

You have changed, I feel it!!!!

Its because you want change.

I understand.

But it does not mean I don't hurt.

Rejection always hurts.

i love this.....

I am Beautiful' 8"x12" © Lloyd Pollard 2004
black & white stressed & painted photograph
First exhibited in 2004 "Faces" solo show.
CreArtive Gallery, Toronto.
First blog publication.


There is something I am not telling you
There is something I have not told anyone
It's a secret but not a secret
Can you tell what it is?
Can you see what it is?
I've known it for a long time but I wasn't sure that people wanted to know it
Have you figured it out yet?

Ok, no more suspense, here is my little secret:

"I am beautiful"
That's all I wanted to say.

some quotes that make sense at this particular time in my life

"...all the gods, all the heavens, all the hells are within you."
(Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth)

[I am a part of all things and all things are a part of me, consciously or unconsciously.]

"When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream..."
(The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho)
[We are so powerful that not even the universe can deny you your heart's desire.]

"If you don't hear you'll feel."
("Cysley". My Mom)
[One way or another you will get the message that the universe is sending you. You have no choice.]

( I found this on the blogspace of LLOYD POLLARD)

attitude

For a long time, I believed I was nobody..maybe because of many things that happened in my life.

I crave for love and attention.

i know that, if i love my self and my work, i don't have to bother about other peoples love and attention....

but i make mistakes, i expect love when i love... i don't know if it is wrong or right.

but i know when we expect something from someone, then it does not make one happy.......

i feel im going to start a new life..... a new beginning......

i know i am not rigid...im basically a free human being... but...i realise that many educated men and women are not free in their minds.That may be the problem with me.... i take people at face value.. i dont analyse human beings much.

i believe in connections not manipulations.....

i learned slowly and stupidly that educated men and women follow tradition without questioning its authenticity, they believe in the concept of virginity, which is so outdated ....

for me virginity is in the mind... if u love someone deeply with your body as well as mind then u r in a virginal relationship.

i read somewhere about the marriage of the minds.i guess thats what is really required, a marriage of the minds....if its a marriage of the body...then it will surely fail.. body gets old and decayed.mind is more stronger and can remain young forever.....

your body consists of chemicals as well as a sacred part.. your soul....

your body can be greedy....but if our soul becomes dirty and greedy....then u r lost.....

i must keep my soul clean........

there were 4 now there are 2

some pics...tell me which one u like....

this questin is good...........

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_if_a_guy_just_wants_sex

people say I look like her............( SOHA ALI KHAN)

BUT I SAY, SHE LOOKS LIKE ME.................

today in the train.....

Today, a very funny thing happened....
the train was packed as usual and I was getting late for college...
I couldnt get into the train....2 trains left with out me....
I was desperate....
when the next train came I jumped into it....
and suddenly I realised I was in the compartment for the disabled....
I realised that if I would be caught by the Ticket checker, I would have to pay the fine....
I was anxious...
luckily, I had worn dark glassses....I pretended to be blind.....
2 men( handicapped) offered me their seat... this would never have happened in the ladies compartment or the general compartment... ( nobody gives up their seat!!!!)
I sat demurely ashamed yet, silently, grateful to those kind men and closed my eyes....
waiting for my station to arrive
at last my destination arrived....
and I alighted from the train as fast as I could
after the train left the platform.... I couldnt control my laughter....
what an adventure!!!

que sera sera....( doris day)

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother,
what will I be
Will I be pretty,
will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
When I was young,
I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.
Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

what i am today.....

today ,i feel as if i am an attention seeking super bitch,,,,'
what exactly do i want????
dont i have everything?????

health benefits of having regular sex

Would you rather run 75 miles or have sex three times per week for a year? Research shows that both activities burn the same number of calories. (7,500, to be exact).We often think that some thing what feels good cannot possibly be good for us. Now it is time to think again. Sex in a loving, intimate relationship and has numerous health benefits. In women, for example, the sexual act triggers the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin promotes the feelings of affection and triggers that nurturing instinct. In men, sex encourages the flow of testosterone, which strengthens bones and muscles and helps transport DHEA hormone that may be important in the function of the body? immune system. Regular sex is regular exercise and has similar benefits, including improved cholesterol levels and increased circulation. Sex, like exercise, release endorphins. Endorphins contribute to the runners high and diminishes pain levels. Sex therapists remind us that frequent sex is a form of exercise.

Other benefits of having regular sex include:

Increased blood flow

Sex helps increase the blood flow to our brain and to all other organs of the body. Increased heart rate and deep breathing accounts for improvement in circulation. As fresh blood supply arrives, our cells, organs and muscles are saturated with fresh oxygen and hormones, and as the used blood is removed, the body also remove waste products that cause fatigue and even illness.

Stress reduction, relaxation and improved sleep

People have frequent sex often report that they handle stress better, so the normal stresses of living do not become distress. The profound relaxation that typically follows lovemaking with orgasm for women and ejaculation or orgasm for men, may be one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely let go, surrender and relax

Maintaining ideal body weight

There are 3500 calories in a pond of fat. For every 3500 calories we burn, we will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 per half hour.

Lower cholesterol

Lowering of cholesterol is another of sex as exercise benefits. Sex helps as exercise benefits. Sex helps lower the overall cholesterol level. Perhaps more importantly it tips the HDL/LDL (good/bad) cholesterol balance towards the healthier HDL side.

Sex as pain reliever

Through the touch magic of sex the hormone oxytocin is secreted in our body which in turn causes the release of endorphins. Because of these natural opiates, sex acts as powerful analgesics, elevating the pain threshold and helping to relieve the aches like arthritis, whiplash and headaches.In fact, studies indicate that intimacy plays a key role in the health benefits of sex. A promiscuous sexual relationship may actually produce an opposite effect by introducing a sense of anxiety and fear. Sex therapists say sex acts on the principal of ?use it or lose it?. So, for your heart, mind, and soul, the best advice may be to ?just do it.?

Dr. DEEPAK ARORA .M.D.

the last time we met.....

Do you know we all are going to die in some years ..

We will be under the soil...

and will grow into grass...

cows will eat us.....

life is so short.....

william blake.. his adam and eve...

Im reading a book COUPLES by John Updike..this pic is on its cover... and ive been so intrigued by this painting..... and then i found out that this was done by William Blake.. .wonderful....

dove....or is it love hanging by threads????

the dove.....seems to rush into fools paradise.....it feels like love...but its dove...........its image in another language....

For Your Information.....

Dear friends,

This creature called Roshni, who writes on this blogspace is bored with her own blog....

it happens to her often....she hates monotony....and this blog is really getting boring because its all about some bullshit called TRUE LOVE......

She hates herself for being so obsessed with it...

So, she is going to give herself a break.....

she has to find something else to do..

her ruminations are on...

she has put on her thinking cap...

her self expression has to be done in a different way....shes offf to explore new ideas....

so seeya for now....

some good things about me...

1. I'm basically a happy person.

2. I can be crazy as and when the situation demands.

3. I adjust and adapt to situations...

4. I'm good with people.

5. I'm good with kids.

6. I'm good with old people..

7.I love nature, sea, plants trees, animals.

8.I'm a great cook.

9.I know style, and colour and what goes with what.

10.I'm clean, tidy and organised person.

11.I give my 100% to whatever I do.

12.I love deeply, truly and madly.

13.I'm care giver.

14. I'm good with money.

15. I'm good to take spot decisions.

(and if You have anything to add please do!)

This is what i know about myself, but it does not guarantee that I will find true love.....

If you want to find the elusive element in your life...that something that is missing in your life..that passion, that madness, that intensity.....that partner who wants you forever..you have to have more than this.... more and more... expectations are more.....

I don't have that......................

so?

I'm NEVER NEVER GOING TO HAVE THAT SPECIAL THING.......THAT ETERNAL LOVE....THAT FOREVER LOVE....

The question is, whether I need it.....

yes I do..I DO....

but can I live without it?

no.....I can exist..... like a thing.....but.. cant live.....NO!

wat i am feeling now....

At this point of time......

I feel useless....ABSOLUTELY USELESS......

IM NOT USEFUL FOR LOVE..............

now and then..........

This is me, 23rd Oct 2009... now... contaminated.......and adulterated.....(lol)

this is how i looked on 24th july 2009.....i was a simple, innocent, truthful person.......full of dreams... and hope and imaginations........

first time in a Mumbai pub.....

Frankly, it was my first time in a real Mumbai disc......( The time at another pub was so gentle as compared to the one yesterday...)I felt I was in GOA....

It was just Awesome....

I had decided that, I would enjoy and go crazy, and forget all woes...

and I did just that.....

I got high ( with 2 small bottles of beer, and I drank someone eles`s drink too ,I think!)

and I think I ate some munchies from someone else`s table).....

Unforgiveable!!!! but first time mistakes are forgiveable..... I forgive myself ...

anyway...It was fun..... I went crazy dancing my crazy dance....

The Hindi music was reallly fun ... all old hits......

I am a disco dancer, etc etc....

Overall a CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY night!!!!!!!!!!!!

notting hill...

oh! I love this movie....its so sweet........ can watch it many times....I love Hugh Grant in this movie..the sweet loyal man in love....the comedy is so refreshing and original...

This is my fav song from the movie...

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL.......

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face let's me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhuTL-rtQa8

btw, that's the best scene of the movie......

my thoughts .....on issues...

Ok , So I was at my favourite place..THE GRASS.... JUST MAKES ME SO CALM......

everything was ok ..but...I hated it when the nurse hit the child who ate some extra sweets....

and scolded me for being indulgent....

I was thinking of the difference.... whn I was a team member and I could do as I wished.....

now im not.. Im just a volunteer...

I hate this bureaucracy...

the silly rules.....restrictions....

I wish I had my own organisation, my own rules, my own kids...........

butIi know Im complaining, and I will go back again and again and again.... love will pull me towards them.......Im helpless whn it comes to love....God! I love those kids....

will post more pics.....soon....

the best day of my life.........

Jesus xrisst!.......wow! the best day of my life......
i now know that it is no use planning and planning AND PLANNING........
The best things in life come unexpectedly.....you should just have the guts to grab the happiness that is waiting for you.... sometimes it may not seem possible...but everything is possible if u have an open mind..............
i love my life.....its beautiful........thank you universe! for helping me connect through continents. ( lol)
btw, my first ever experience in a pub in my city was bitter sweet.....some shit..... but mostly beautiful...........
and im offf to more wonderful days.......
will post about it soon..........

ESSM.............

Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and I watched my favourite movie again......

I had written about this movie somewhere earlier....

Wow! Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in the roles of their life time...Excellent....

My favorite quotes of the movie,

Joel: talking isn't necessarily communicating.

---

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clementine:What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel:I had a really nice time last night.
Clementine: Nice?
Joel: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!
Clementine: Thaaaat's better!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The movie deals with science fiction and neosurrealism.

It touches the heart and mind while taking you through varied emotions....

the end is of course the best, as we find that no matter, the differences and fights, if there is LOVE, understanding and Forgiveness.. that's all that matters....woowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

This gives me hope....

My take on why a woman strays...

A woman may stray because of many reasons.

Let me list a few.....

1.lack of love

2. abuse- mental as well as physical

3.boredom

4. lack of emotional support

5.low self esteem and confidence.

6. being a nymphomaniac

7.revenge

8. feeling of being used like piece of toilet paper.

9. poverty

A woman searches for a man who will give her that something that she misses in her life.... but what happens is that, she gives up everything in the name of love.....she gets a raw deal always........only 5% and she compromises more than she bargained for.. she gives 95%............she ends up selling her soul...

for that elusive piece of life, of peace, of tranquilly....that imagined state of bliss......

Why I dont like the word 'LOVER'.....

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lover

Maybe it is okay for most people...but because Im a romantic person, the word lover has a negative connotation for me....it is mainly about sexual love....I WANT ROMANTIC LOVE TOO .....LOL..........

A lover can be anybody, you can have anybody as a lover, it is so shallow......it is not special at all.

But to be a true companion, and have a true companion in my life is what I really crave for.

A companion who, not only wants to have sex with me but wants to know the real me, wants to connect with me, respects my feelings, appreciates my efforts, wants to spend time with me,

basically, consider me as special.

Maybe it is too much to ask for......

I may never find it....

The Jungle....

Time stood still as they walked along the beautiful walk.....

A walk created for crazy souls...

The dark water shone silently, in the moonlight....

The tall trees, the chirping crickets,sweet swans and limping leaves,

all aroused...

By the two crazy people who sat down on the middle of the walk....

they wanted nature to witness their closeness...

The woman, heady with emotion....

wanted the night to go on for ever....

wanted to wait a while longer...

She knows she has limited Time...

She wants to live and cherish the Time...

some random thoughts.....

Love cannot hurt.

Mutual respect is most important.

One might be the best, but if there is no one to appreciate you.... your best maybe be your worst...

Life is beautiful.

The world is small and round.

Human emotions everywhere, in every corner of the world is the same.....

Human beings are confused, they want happiness, but they throw away their only way to happiness easily...they reach for the moon and forget about the little star twinkling beside them.

Life is about the number of beautiful moments that take your breath away.And if u find someone to share it with, its a BIG BONUS.

Its best to live with a person who loves you for the person you are, the inner you, a person who sees the best in you....and helps you want be a better person.
A person who lets you BE. Just be!

You can make anything happen if u have the will.The universe will help you find your dream.Only, only if you really want it....the universe knows your secret......

Life is such....

Today, I was traveling in the second class compartment in the local train.
I was totally stuck, I was breathing into a person`s face...the train was disgustingly packed with human beings....
I was in a such a position that, I was looking into the persons eyes.. MY GOD!... too close for comfort.
Suddenly the person started crying... huge drops of tears...came rolling down her face.... when I inquired, the person said that she was coming back from hospital after an appendicitis operation,and that she was in pain...Jesus!
when I looked again, now, with more concentration, I found that the person was a Trans gender. In the crowded train she told me her story.
At the age of 15, she was thrown out of her home... her parents don't want her because she was different....
So she joined the Hijra community . She found that she was not happy there .. so much politics and hierarchy etc... She promised herself that she would get a Sex Change operation,and she collected the money for the operation,by working in dancing bars .
She told me that the operation was a trip to hell and back...it was the most painful thing to be endured....but even after all that, she is not happy at all..she has no boyfriend ,nobody to love her....she feels alone all the time.... She told me that everyone is interested in Money, and nobody cares about feelings.She works as a paid volunteer at a NGO...
Life is difficult....she told me she wants to commit suicide....
I didn't know what to tell her.. I just listened to her... told her to take care.....
I felt immense compassion for the person, who is born different....whom society discards...whose parents abandon her.....
I had to get down at my station. I gave her the Suicide Prevention Helpline number.She has promised to call...

I WAS THINKING,IF ,
ONE DAY, WHEN I WILL BE CRYING IN THE LOCAL TRAIN, BECAUSE I AM ALONE WILL SOME ONE SHOW ME COMPASSION?
WILL SOMEONE , ANYONE ,OFFER SOME KIND WORDS?
WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME A HELPLINE NUMBER???

fatal attractions....

Ive been attracted to a few men in my life............ maybe 3.

Most of the time ,I was attracted for their intelligence, kindness, love for poetry and literature.It never made any sense to be in a relationship where there can be no future....so i never started any connection....maybe i was wrong....


But the other day I was wondering about a no strings attached relationship...

A relationship where there is a mutual agreement to be physically intimate, nothing else....
A relationship that expects and accepts nothing... no future, no love, no emotions, no dreams...
A relationship that exits into nothingness.....
A relationship that has the permission to dissolve....
A truthful relationship....where each partner knows its role....knows its limit.....

I realise...

THE ONE THAT LOVES THE LEAST, CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP......BECAUSE IT KNOWS THE TRUTH....
THE OTHER IS SUBMISSIVE AND QUIET....BECAUSE....IT KNOWS THE TRUTH...TOO

THE TRUTH SETS YOU FREE..THERE IS NO STRUGGLE ANYMORE.....ONLY, ONLY COMPREHENSION....WONDERFUL....

0ctober 5th

This day is a very sad day for me...whenever the month October comes ..it is a remembrance of a life I had as a child.
We were a beautiful family of four. Mum, Dad, Brother and Me.
My father is a painter. He is also great calligrapher.
My mother was a teacher . She was the first woman in her small village to be a graduate and proceed to become a teacher.
She was a great singer and writer.
She taught in an orphanage.
As a matter of fact, before she married my father she lived in the orphanage with the kids.
My mother was extremely religious.So is my father.
That was the reason I was in a convent school for my school days.
Actually I was encouraged to become a nun, or a nurse, or a teacher or choose a career to be of some service to people.
But everything changed when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Her death is something that changed my life forever. The worst thing was that my freedom was gone. I was a motherless girl, And to be a girl and motherless is a curse in India.
BUT
most of what I am is because of My Mother.
I realized the importance of compassion and forgiveness from her.
The love for arts, literature, people is all from her.
I can say that maybe I don't have external beauty, maybe Im not very worthy of peoples consideration, maybe people don't want me in their lives,maybe people want to use me...
but the fact remains that I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEART. A HEART FULL OF LOVE. AND SO MUCH TO GIVE.....I AM PROUD OF THAT...
But really who needs that????????

.intellectual stimulation....new ideas.... new horizons..

After visiting the museum, and meeting a number of people, I went to eat at Leopolds.....its one of my favorite places to eat non-veg food.
I was accompanied by a gentleman who was also planning to eat alone....the conversation was good... and time passed by.It was a nostalgic experience. I was thinking about the time I was journalist.
I had met so many people, it was a wonderful time in my life...I working like a mad person.
covering events, writing reports, interviews,
One time, I was counseling on the newspaper that I was working for.It was good extra money.
I think I should really think about honing my skills.... I should meet new people.I should find interesting work. maybe I can free lance again.
everything happens for a reason.....Im optimistic...

SOMETIMES.....

sometimes..... I feel as if I will die if I am not held...not comforted... not hugged tight.....
i need the touch...
i need the comfort...
i need the hug....
the sweet kisses...the physical intimacy... the connection...
to share a blanket...
to share a pillow...
to share silences... to listen to hearts beating as one...
the connection of the soul....the precious moment....the unforgetable moment created by us...amazing....magical...forever etched in memory.....

we did it...

We pulled it off...
we made 12,000 rupees. We sold T-shirts, book marks, paintings,pens, soft toys... it was fun....
I'm so happy....
KIDDIESsssssssssssssssssssss here we come.....lol.........
I think all of us were motivated and were working hard for this to happen...
people were generous....
I think basically, all people are good.....they are empathetic......they want to do good....this is what makes me go on......AND ON........... Hmmmmmm!
(I will post pics later....)

my dream is mine alone.....cannot be shared......

From the time I started to work at the orphange in 2006, Ive been consumed by the need to do something for kids.

Hence I worked with them, as a friend, as a playmate, as a counsellor, as a story teller.

I loved to sleep with them under the stars.I shiver when I think of those days, surrounded by kids on a wonderful moonlit night..watching the stars.

When the project began, we were a team of 4 individuals. Now, Im the only one left in India.....

The project is over. I still meet the kids.. but not so regularly..the kids have grown.....

Today I got a call, one of the kids, wanted me to come over during Diwali holidays..of course I will go....I was already planning .....

I LOVE YOU ALL LITTLE FRIENDS.....IM COMING.....